Tickets this way for the Chatsworth Express!
Come and watch pikeys making a mess
of the lives they were given by 'im upstairs...
And kids they're convinced aren't actually theirs.
Wicked!
Piss off!
What sounds on Earth could ever replace
kids needing money or wives in your face?
Cos this, people reckon - me included -
is why pubs and drugs
were kindly invented...
To calm us all down and stop us going mental.
These are Chatsworth Estate's basic essentials.
We are worth every penny for grinding your axes...
You sit on our head,
but... you pay the taxes.
CHEERING
Imagine Britain without Chatsworth buccaneers
who'd come on your face for the price of a beer, eh?
Eh!
Make poverty history. Cheaper drugs now!
Make poverty history! Cheaper drugs now!
CHUCKLES
Scatter! Party!
COCK CROWS
PATHE-STYLE NEWS INTRODUCTION
(Mimi) 'I'm not sentimental about my kids.
'A woman I knew was convinced her brat was gonna be Prime Minister.
'Cold meats at Asda, since you ask.
'I know what my lot can do.
'They're not gonna surprise me.
'You don't choose your family.
'They're your gift. Or your burden.
'Or a by-product of the real choice.
'I do a lot for my kids.'
Mummy! Daddy! Pigs!
(Mimi) 'But I'd do anything for my Paddy.'
Police! >
A positive outrage. I play golf with the chief constable.
See you in an hour, Mimo.
Solicitor's waiting at the station, Squirrel.
...Cow.
Why didn't they nick me? I'm a face.
You knew?
Give this to our Mandy. I've done the stock take,
you're responsible. Personally.
Siamese, conjoined, conjunction...
Conjunctivitis.
- All of them? - That's a lot of drugs, even for him.
He must have sensed them. I went in there, watched Supernanny,
sneaked upstairs. He must have inhaled them. I don't know.
- He's a one. - Where is he?
Ooh...
MOANING, WARDROBE CREAKS
We're gonna owe your mum gitloads.
I'll have a word. She'll want something, though. Deffo.
You don't earn that much selling these.
You said it was £250 a pop. Someone's making some money
out of them shit-suckers.
Bollocks!
Can you find out how much we owe her?
I'll see what I can do.
Are we straight?
Have I cleared my debt?
You are in hock till I say... Sergeant.
Why didn't they search our gaff, Sergeant?
I only knew about the raid.
Why am I still here, Sergeant?
I really don't know.
Hey, Carrie. >
- Sarge is the traditional title. - You are joking?
Before, I was a natural leader. Now, I'm appointed.
Tell me again why they let you resit your exam.
You're under surveillance, Constable.
Oh, a V.
As in very, very lucky to have me on your side, Sergeant.
I'm looking forward to getting acquainted with you.
As agreed.
- Wanna sit in on the Maguire powwow? - Yeah!
Where's my solicitor?
Making him wait. Banging away with his little fat fists. Most amusing.
Fancy an afternoon at the flicks?
Prescription drugs, all-night chemist's. Two perps.
Little muscles threatens to cut chemist's hand off.
Chemist gives in. Well, you would.
Leads them in back for t'stuff.
The other one, the leader,
has got indigestion. Helps himself to some tablets.
Safe, though, cos he knows where the cameras are.
Or does he?
What if they'd fitted a new camera the day before?
Eh?
Bang to fuckin' rights.
You're not obliged to say anything, but we'd like it if you did
cos we could do with a fuckin' laugh.
20 years?
I can't... >
I can't live without...
We could die at our age. Die apart.
That's not the plan. I can't do that.
Fat Todd says I should plead guilty.
Fat Todd? We only went with him cos of his poncey card.
We can do better than him. We can.
I'll cop a plea. Good judge, serve half.
Out in ten.
(Christ.)
No.
Noel.
Noel. Think about it. We could do something with him.
I'd rather serve 20 without remission than speak to that. No!
We need him. He can get you off this.
Do you hear me?!
I've cut him off like a dead fucking limb.
He's no part of me.
< (Tom) You all right there?
Fucking rot then!
I'm not waiting for you!
HINGES CREAK >
DOOR SLAMS >
Mum's too upset to talk.
Having a bit of family bother.
Very bad timing on Frank's part.
I have managed to persuade her not to burn your house down.
But you do owe her three grand.
Pay up.
Fast.
Good job Mandy's here to protect us, she'll see us right(!)
Me dad's goin' down.
She's not as malleable as normal!
Shit!
What are we gonna do?
Only one thing to do.
Borrow it off mates who are minted.
- (Lillian) Have you seen it? - It woke me up.
- Everyone's heard the bugger. - What's up?
- Lillian's lost her rooster. - Goddammit, I'm gonna bomb your village!
Can't call it a cock in our house. Cause all manner of palaver.
Only got it for Latvian girl. Thought it might make her feel more at home.
She's allergic.
I need a favour.
Yeah?
I feel a right twat.
I need a loan. Three grand. My dad's had your mum's drugs.
It's an emergency.
We can't do it, mate.
Please. I've seen the safe, I know you've got it.
It's all gone. Deposit for a kitchen.
Doing the Thai food thing.
Three grand's not that much and it is going to your family.
Sorry. We know you're good for it.
We would. We really would, but...
Pot's dry.
New staff. Victor.
He's a cook. You know, with you off travelling.
I'm not going for ages.
< Sorry.
We'll still need you for loads of shifts. Plenty of work.
Here y'are, mate. Have one on the management.
They're not just my bosses, they're my mates.
No such thing. Capital, labour. Cast off your chains. Us and them.
I'm still with them.
Class traitor, are you?
Piss off.
Suction central. One of your gents slaps this on for a posh wank,
he won't need a hospital, he'll need a morgue.
Will it vac up chicken poo?
It's strong enough for human cack.
Actually, that might be handy.
I need to launder some bills.
Bye, love. Filled your boots, eh?
That mine, then?
No, that's the demonstrator.
You get a brand-new one. Firm'll deliver it.
Give me that fucking money!
IAN GROANS
Great fire will surely rain down upon them and smite...
Shut up.
Think, Shane.
He's not even gone down yet and they are putting the squeeze on us.
- What's next? - War.
No. We're nothing without your dad.
Are you scared?
Of course I am. I'm not stupid.
Been robbed.
Took my cash, the demonstrator... We're totally screwed.
What are we gonna do?
Can't borrow the money, can't earn it.
No, this isn't gonna happen. I'm not gonna let it.
It's time for us to all muck in.
Work? In my condition?
Right, yeah, I'm the dickhead. It's my fault.
Dad's.
We all need to chip in. Mimi has to be paid. Yeah?
Yeah.
(Debbie) Carl?
Yeah.
(Debbie) lan?
Right. Come on, let's get to work!
Oh, yeah!
None of the kids can deal while you're on bail.
Business on hold. How are we gonna manage?
We'll find a way.
I'm not getting involved.
Neither am I.
We're going down the pan.
Only one chance.
I can't do that.
Why not?
Mind your own business.
Mum's rang Noel.
If you ask him yourself, he'll drop everything and come.
- You rang him? - I've got to help you! What else can we do?!
I can't do it.
Not even for you.
You out? Your brief's better than I thought.
Shut your mouth, bitch. I own you.
Not much point owning me where you're going.
And I can't do anything to stop that, boss.
KEYPAD TONES
HE SIGHS
It's me.
I need your help, and it's not a kidney.
Please, Noel.
What? You'll consider me? Really?
I've got absolutely no experience, and I'm very preggie.
Oh, what a shame!
No, don't worry about it.
Soon as you mention that, brick wall!
Mm, yeah. There should be a law.
Phew...
I need another demonstrator.
In this scenario, I will be willing to sell you another.
Special circs etc. All we need is £100
and, before you know it, the cash lorry's backing into your depot.
Beep, beep, beep.
I'm skint! Can I get an advance?
Company policy. Hands tied.
Hey, get off if you want.
Come back tonight. I know you need to get settled.
Yeah, I do.
You're all right, then?
Yeah? Why?
Got a text saying you'd been stabbed and were in A&E.
That's that evil wanker who took my phone, and my money, and my Hoover!
- Nasty! - And why aren't you looking for work?
I've tried!
No-one wants an unqualified pregnant woman of my advanced years!
Sexism, ageism, womb-ism. Give us a whisky and a tomato juice.
It's what my body wants.
Where you off?
Dry cleaners.
You gonna cash up?
Do it all in one go tonight.
I'll get Vic. You leg it.
Yeah, OK.
So, yeah...
Cheers. See ya tonight.
See ya.
(Fuck!)
I've put in for firearms.
I'm on shifts at the airport with machine guns.
Why? All those civilians, surely a machine gun's the last thing you need?
They look really cool!
Sergeant! I've been looking for you.
- Ma'am. - Mm, ma'am! I like that!
Next week, Los Angeles. Fact-finding mission. Gang scum.
"Popping caps in your ass!" and so on.
- Wanna come? With me? - I'd love to, but I don't have a passport, ma'am.
I'll go!
I don't think so!
I'm disappointed.
Very.
She thinks I made that up!
Well, you did!
- I didn't! I ain't got a passport. - Yes, you have!
Shut up, Tom! Who's the sergeant?
Don't see why she wouldn't take me!
Your lack of vagina! How do you think she became sergeant?
You and me are gonna fall out!
I thought we already had!
Please!
What?
Ah. You were here two hours ago, love.
I still don't want one.
Admit it, Vic! You stole money out the fuckin' till!
I didn't! I fuckin' swear!
I'm a workin' man, not a thief!
- What's goin' on? - This one's had his hand in the till.
It wasn't me! Typical boss class!
Maybe it wasn't him.
Don't you go all "workers united" on us!
This is well out of order. Fuck you both!
You're a pussy-whipped bastard, and you're a fuckin' slag!
Oh, yeah?!
Christ's sake. You cannot get the staff.
So why did you fall out again?
Don't want to talk about it.
- It's cos Uncle Noel's gay. - Who told you?
(Paddy) That's not... Shut it!
- We all know! - Don't talk about it!
It's bad enough having a pillow-biter in the family without... voicing it.
So you're identical twins?
Oh...
What do you mean by "Oh"?
I dunno, it's just "identical"
means "exactly the same"...
If you so much as fuckin' hint that I'm some bum-burgling no-mark again
and I'll rip your fuckin' entrails out! Do you understand me?!
Do ya?
There's only one pervert in this family!
What do you say?
Hello, Uncle Noel!
Plus ca change, plus c'est la meme chose!
Bonjour, Patrick!
I'm not sticking up for him. I'm just saying there's other possibilities!
Do you want your shifts back or should we go and find someone else?
Yeah. I'll have 'em. Cheers.
He's never forgiven me for being the oldest.
I am the oldest! I was in the birth canal when you came out of the C-section.
That's the real race!
I breathed air first! Ergo oldest.
It's the oldest argument, too. I've missed it!
I haven't.
And I was Mammy's favourite.
She liked going shopping with you. That doesn't make you favourite.
Who wouldn't prefer shopping to waiting in police stations? I was a good boy.
What's so good about gay pride, huh? What a laugh! What's to be proud of?
Clearly nothing for you.
And for that I'm out of your life?
- And I miss your family growing up? - (Mimi) Stop it! There's no time for this.
Paddy's in a hole, looking at 20 years inside!
What do you want me to do?
We wanna confuse the police with this identical twin thing,
restage the robbery on the chemist with one of you in custody as Paddy.
Crime? Mercy!
Exactly the same job, but with Paddy inside he'll have a definite alibi!
Means it might not have been him the first time,
creates a reasonable doubt! They'll never get a conviction.
What about me?
They'll be seeking a lookie-likie. Why not try twinnie? I would!
Cos nobody knows shit about you. I made sure of that.
And what if I get caught?
Think of all the men desperate for sex!
There are easier ways than...
Why do I bother? Why would I risk that for you?
You despise me! >
Family.
We'll do everything to keep you out the frame.
It's a risk.
Scared, gay boy?
Not as scared as you this time.
Oh, Patrick... We were as close as could be.
You're still an angry thug.
I won't do it.
Nice one, prisoner 5645!
What's your fall-back plan, Houdini?
Mickey!
Uncle Noel - go fetch him back.
Why me?
- You're the nearest thing we've got to a pansy! - Piss off!
Don't come back without him! >
Y'all right?
See ya later, Terry.
VIBRATOR WHIRRS
COCK CROWS
Roast dinner-dodging bastard!
Jesus. What's the time?
COCK CROWS
What's that smell?
- Fuck! - Shit!
Goblin Teasmade.
Surprisingly comfortable, your fanny magnet.
I'm not outing anyone.
I know what he's like.
When did you last see him?
Ooh, when he said, "Stay away from me, ya dirty poof!"
Can't have been all his fault.
He thought we were completely honest with each other.
Caught me in flagrante.
Is that a nightclub?
- In the act. - I know what it means!
Kicked my head in.
Felt betrayed.
Couldn't trust me.
Irrevocable breakdown.
And then you fucked off to uni and started wankin' on like a student?
Indubitably!
We'd stopped getting along before he knew.
He used it as an excuse to formalise the break.
He betrayed me.
He did.
And he knows it.
Why d'you think he's so guilty?
I know he's a bastard...
but I still don't want him to go down.
Please, Uncle Noel.
Could've been worse. We could look like this.
What the fuck?! Are you all right? What happened?
Torched. That prat Victor! I'm gonna rip his spleen out!
Jesus, I thought...
I'm so sorry.
It's hardly your fault, mate.
It is.
I should've been nicer to him.
I felt sorry for him. Lost his last job.
What?
He lost his last one when the pub...
...burnt down.
Christ's sake, Jamie!
We'd be baked if it weren't for that bird!
Lillian's rooster?
Woke us up cock-a-doodling.
Bloody Fire Brigade! Why couldn't they watch where they were going?
I'II... take it to Lillian's.
Might have to lay you off for a bit, mate.
Well, you could try.
What's up?
Done something really stupid.
Well, can you fix it?
Don't you want to know what it is?
Don't know if I can.
I mean, I could shut up about it and no-one would know the difference.
I've been a total twat to mates.
And what good would telling the truth do?
It might make me feel better.
Just keep it shut, cope with the guilt on your own.
That's the punishment.
Fuckin' hell.
COMPUTER GAME BLARES
What are you doing? You had me.
I can't be arsed. I only play it for you.
- Have you found Noel? - In t'car, waiting for yous.
We've been camping out all night.
I see you're gonna make me pay for all the years of hurt.
Who wants the favour?
Am I gonna have to bend over backwards or forwards?
Sorry.
Why does it matter to you what I do with my cock?
We...
wanked together.
You're not gay, Pat.
I would have died for you and you were lying. You lied!
You loved me being gay.
It meant you could break away,
be on your own, not part of a pair.
And then you end up with a wife,
who's as close as a twin.
Is that irony? I can never remember. I'll have to look it up.
I'll let you in on a little secret.
I wasn't her favourite.
She just hated me less.
Jesus, I'd forgotten how much of a bleedin' know-all you are.
Are you gonna help me?
I might.
And what fucking silly-arsed hoops are you gonna make me leap through first?
Noel has very kindly agreed to help.
About fuckin' time.
In return, I'd like yous all to make space in your diary for Noel's nuptials.
- You what? - Noel's marrying...
Lionel.
I'm giving him away and paying for it.
I'm really happy for you, Noel.
Thanks.
Nice one.
What you talking about? It's two fuckin' blokes.
Shut it! If he's keeping me out of prison, he can marry a fucking horse!
Not that I'd ever... ever compare Leonard...
- Lionel. ...Lionel to a horse.
Thanks, Pat.
We need a dress rehearsal.
Why do I have to be the chemist?
- This is a robbery, motherfucker! - Shane, language.
But that's what I said last time.
I'm sorry. I thought we were doing this exactly the same.
We are.
Open the back or I'll chop your fuckin' hand off.
No, I... I can't do this.
It's...
so violent.
I mean, it's just not me.
Christ on a... bike!
When you asked me to do this and I very kindly and perhaps foolishly agreed,
I assumed it was going to be me in prison for the evening, pretending to be you.
Hm?
Now, there's doing you a favour and there's total stupidity.
There's only so much I can do.
OK, fine.
Your way.
I do the robbery, I take all the risk.
Seems fair.
See you, Yvonne.
Just had a whisper from a snout. New dealer we're after? Small, 'bout ten.
- White, roundish face, brown hair? - Like him?
Or... him?
No, like 'im.
Oi! Gallagher!
- Come here, you. - Get off me.
What's this?
- Where d'you get that? - Selling fairy cakes.
- Sounds a bit far-fetched. - It's true.
Look, go home, and if you're up to bad stuff, stop now. D'you hear me?
No chance. He's nicked.
- What? He let me go! - Ain't gonna happen. Fairy cakes?
- He'll crack under questioning. - Look, we're letting him go.
- It is quite a lot. - Get off. You've just blown it.
Last chance. You're finished.
Let him go, Wendy!
Wendy?
Who's Wendy?
Scarper.
Oi!
We've both done wrong.
Not obeying insane sergeant, wrist slap.
Assuming false identity to get job in police,
- five years. - So I said I was my sister.
- Big balaumba! - Yes, it is. Why?
Failed the psychological tests.
Not suitable. Joke. That ink spot did look like Myra Hindley.
- I'm a born copper. - Where's your sister?
Dead.
Did you... kill her?
She died in a plane crash in Africa.
There was some confusion over the death certificate,
so I gave myself another shot.
How did you pass the test?
I learned all the answers.
Look, I'm a sergeant. Everything's good, I'm good. Please, Tom.
I live for this job. You know I do.
- I'm nothing without it. - I dunno.
I'll do anything to stay on the force, anything, please.
D'you wanna have sex with me?
No. Yes... No!
Go on. Any position, any kink.
Stop it!
I don't want sex with you.
You're all sorts of strange, bad things.
Don't do it to me.
Please.
I'm beggin'.
I can't see you thrown out of the force. I won't say anything.
(Yes!)
Ah, another hand for the deck.
Be like new in no time.
That Victor, he's working at The Feathers.
You haven't done anything yet?
- Thought we'd leave him a bit. - They're the competition.
A fire there wouldn't be bad news.
It was me who took the money.
I'm sorry.
I thought I could borrow it and get it back.
I wasn't gonna nick it.
I'm really, really, fuckin' sorry.
I'll pay you back. I'll redecorate. I shouldn't have done it. I'm sorry.
You were family.
I'm sorry.
Keys.
Now piss off.
Right, let's take stock.
Now, then, I've run up against society's prejudice,
so I've earned nothing.
£22.73.
200.
Minus 350.
Me and Liam did it together.
You have won...
£3,850.
Where the fuck?!
Fairy cakes.
With hash in.
You're drug dealers?
You can use the leftover cash
- and pay back what you owe. - Where did you get the drugs?
You want 'em wholesale?
Why not? You can't sell any.
OK, on a very temporary basis.
It's only dope.
Drugs caused it.
Dad caused it.
Is he still in your room?
No, Mummy, I don't wanna join the Navy.
Oooh, shoe. Oh, shoe...
- Why didn't you tell me? - Cos you would have stopped us.
- Too fucking right I would! - Well, look, there's some left.
I'm jobless and friendless cos of...
Right, I'm gonna sort this out with Paddy.
Liam, what you doin'?
I can't... Debbie can't deal drugs for you any more.
I'm stopping anyway.
Mimi, what's going on? This little girl deals drugs for us?
Three grand paid.
I'm sorry, but we're not doing any more dealing.
No, temporary. I should have told you, Paddy.
Mimo.
You must always share with me. I would have put a stop to it.
Back to school, young lady.
Go on.
And you...
Thank you very much for bringing it to my attention.
Jesus.
You know, maybe yous all deserve to be in prison.
Don't have second thoughts. Don't.
Please.
Good luck, Noel.
Good luck, Pat.
You!
Yes, you!
You are a big, bald...
bumhole, that's what you are!
- Had a couple too many, eh? - So what if I have?
What are you gonna do about it?
Hmm? Hmm?
I've got a few too many!
Oh, Paddy, come on!
Aye, all right. What are you doing with me?
What's he in for?
D and D.
Did you have any intention ever of keeping your side of the bargain?
- Of course. - Cos I'm not seeing muff here, am I?
I can imagine a scenario where your career stutters at sergeant.
- This is a fucking robbery, motherfucker! - Oh, not again!
- One false move and you're an arm down! - OK...
He's all bluster. I'm the real deal. One word,
and your balls are in the post to your wife.
Please take whatever you want. Don't hurt me, please.
It's everything I could get.
For the decorating and the... and the money I borrowed.
Nicked.
I can't believe I did that.
I was so sure you'd lend it us.
I was hurt when you didn't, taking the cash...
- It was your "fuck you"? - No.
I just nicked it.
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. We're mates.
Turn the fuckin' taps off.
We'll keep this, so just go.
Thought you'd know something about second chances.
You got one.
Got you that.
What?
(Paddy) 'Where is he? '
Why haven't we heard anything?
What if the cameras weren't working?
What if he didn't get arrested?
All sorts of things could go wrong.
Why hasn't Fat Todd called?
Relax. We've got to assume he knows what he's doin'.
DOOR OPENS
Thank fuck! Where have you been?
In a cell.
Until Fat Todd arrived.
He's there now.
Is it true? About the CCTV?
Yep. There goes the tape with the lawyer.
Apparently, Paddy Maguire's superhuman. Win some...
We can't let him get away with it! It's a scam.
Probably, but I've had a word. No-one's interested.
But they've got to be. He's...
He's a villain. He's a major face.
We need to nick him. He belongs inside.
Do you always go all Sweeney when you're angry?
Ask them again. Please.
- And look a right twat? No, I won't. - Ask them and I'll have sex with you.
No. Too late.
WPC Flannery. Now, there's a woman with ambition.
They're dropping all charges.
How do you do that?
You on CCTV and in the cell?
CID knows something's gone on,
but you're just not big enough for them to bother putting the work in.
That cuts me to the very core.
I'm deeply wounded.
What's the matter?
You don't look too pleased for me.
I don't wanna work for you.
But you do. Tough titty.
What if we had sex?
Would that be quits?
Christ, no!
Only need one look to know you're a crap shag.
You're mine in a much better way than that.
What?
You're a fucking twat, lan.
Yeah.
But you're our fuckin' twat.
Will you come back?
You sure? You really want me?
No.
We want somebody trustworthy. But you'll have to do.
We're not redecoratin'. We're going on holiday.
With your money.
- Ibiza. - And we're going now.
(Jamie) You're late.
Right!
lan!
Bottles of your best, burnt champagne.
LAUGHS
- I love it when a plan comes together! - Nice one, Dad!
I can't stay, Pad. You don't have to come to our wedding.
What?!
And I don't want you to pay for it or give me away.
Why not?
I want you to come because you want to,
that's all.
You're invited. You all are.
Come if you want.
Noel...
...it would be an honour for me to dance at your wedding.
Right. I'm off.
Dance at his fuckin' wedding!
YMCA
It's fun to stay at the YMCA...
- It's true, then? - What's true?
- The rumours. - What rumour?
Well, there's CCTV of you gobbling PC Matheson.
When you were in custody. It was you, wasn't it?
I'm not gay!
Sucking someone off? That is quite gay.
I'm not...
gay!
I'm not!
(Mimi) 'There's something in the gene stuff. I know I love Paddy,
'but I love the people who remind me of him, too.
'Sons, brothers, even his mother - well, she did give birth to him.
'Sometimes I'm so full of love, I could kill anyone.'
I'm not gay!
Get her!
I've had the weirdest dream.
You lot were in it. Well, not exactly leading parts, but...
Is that all you've got to say?
How are you feeling?
Fine. Fucking starving, but fine.
Why shouldn't I?
What's for brekky?
We meet again, Gallagher!
Aargh!
(Frank) Just say no, kids!